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If exposed to a death, it is important that children not be excluded from
involvement in the funeral service. Learning to accept death is one of life's
natural experiences. Instead of sending the child to the babysitter when death
occurs, allow the child to participate in the funeral and conversations. This
helps relieve their fears and lets them start the healing process, too.
Each time a child asks a question about death, a proper explanation is required.
When this explanation is denied, they will try to come up with their own
answers. Follow these tips to help your child avoid the "mystery of death" :
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HONESTY - As in any "life-forming" subject, this should be the framework of
your discussion of death with a child. The purpose of the discussion is to
reduce fear and induce trust, therefore, all information should be factual.
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SIMPLICITY - Explaining too much can cloud a child's mind.
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ENVIRONMENT -Since this often impacts conversations, the setting chosen should
ensure an atmosphere that can allow expression to be released freely. The
comfort of the family room or, perhaps, the backyard playground will spark
questions and ease tension.
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LOVE - Closeness and involvement help the child realize their security is
certain. Warmth and reassurance should be shared. Adults realize that sorrow is
often more easily faced with others and, actually, the child is comforted by
the tears of his parents, realizing that if they were to die, the parent would
care. You may also want to ask clergy or a close friend to assist in the
discussion when preparing to tell a child about someone dying.
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Age is often an indicator of which aspect of death most concerns the child It is
a known fact that a child old enough to love is old enough to grieve.
Up to age 2 - While not able to understand death, toddlers do
feel the loss of the one who was there to nurture and care for them.
Age 2-4 - At this age, children have little understanding of
death. It should be shared either by viewing or trying to explain what has
happened.
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Age 5-7 - While not always easy to grasp, children of this age
group have a feeling for loss. Questions should be answered in simple terms.
You can let them now a death has taken place by allowing them to be present at
the funeral home and the funeral service. Clinical studies have shown that a
child needs to share the experience of his loss through emotions which, if
denied, may result in adjustment problems later.
Age 8-9 - Children have a capacity for grasping life's
mysteries at this age. They will remember the experience and they should be
allowed to attend attend the service. They have emotions and should be able to
express them.
Age 10-12 - Youngsters of this age have the feelings of love
and a deep feeling of loss. They know what death is and will want to be helpful
in order to resolve their own feelings of loss. They should be included in the
arrangements and service.
Age 13-16 - Adolescents may want to shelter their guilt
feelings. They are not easily understood and may refrain from emotions or
expressions. However, clinical studies show that teenagers often have more
intense grief than any other age group. Encourage their friends to attend the
service and share their grief..giving them the support they need.
Because each child is unique and because of influences, such as age, personality
and social and religious background, certain guidelines should be followed when
discussing death:
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The individual child should be the main focus of any such discussion.
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The child should be consulted and invited to attend, but not forced.
We visually express the experience of death by viewing the body.
It is best to allow the child to view the body prior to the arrival of
visitors. As the visitors arrive, the child will find that others also loved
the deceased and the child will also be absorbed in the experience of
comforting and caring.
The culmination of the days of grief following a death is the funeral
service. Mature children gain strength from the sincere words and
expressions of clergy and close friends.
After the funeral service is the graveside service at the cemetery.
This affords a lasting tangible memory for the child and allows them to know
the whereabouts of the body. If they do not attend the interment, they should
be taken to the cemetery at a later date.
Obviously a child will react to a death, but it is the responsibility of the
parent to guide them through those reactions.
The parent should emphasis the happy times shared with the deceased, keeping
pleasant images fresh and constantly recalled. Parents should also commend the
youngsters for all the unforgettable attention and happiness they gave the
deceased. When they understand they have contributed to the happiness of the
deceased's life, their hurt will lessen and their memories enhance.
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